Shame, Belonging, and Self Compassion for Neurodivergent Women
Shame is often a wound of not belonging. It can leave you feeling like an exile, as though you are living in a world that was not designed with your nervous system in mind.
For many neurodivergent women, including autistic women and women with ADHD, shame forms slowly over time. It may not always come from obvious trauma. Sometimes it grows through subtle misattunements. Small moments of being misunderstood. Experiences of being told you are too sensitive, too intense, too emotional, too distracted, or simply too much.
Over time, difference can become interpreted as defect.
Sensory sensitivity, deep interests, social communication differences, executive functioning challenges, or emotional intensity may have been pathologized rather than understood. Masking may have helped you survive socially, academically, or professionally. But masking often comes at a cost. Many women I work with in therapy describe chronic self-doubt, burnout, and a quiet fear of being truly seen.
Shame does not develop in isolation. It develops in relationship. And importantly, it also heals in relationship.
Understanding Shame
Emotion researchers such as Silvan Tomkins and Donald Nathanson described shame as the emotion that arises when positive connection is interrupted. Shame often appears in moments like these:
• You reach out and are rejected
• Your joy goes unmatched
• Your excitement is dismissed
• You take a relational risk and experience failure
Shame is deeply interpersonal. It can show up as embarrassment, humiliation, or the urge to hide. You may feel your body collapse inward. You might avert your gaze or feel heat rise in your face. The nervous system registers a break in connection and turns away from something it deeply wanted.
If we stop reaching out, we may reduce the risk of shame. But we also reduce the possibility of belonging.
Common Defenses Against Shame
In his work on shame, Nathanson described four common defensive patterns:
• Withdrawal, isolating and giving up on connection
• Avoidance, numbing through perfectionism, overworking, substances, or distraction
• Attack self, harsh self-criticism and internal blame
• Attack other, defensiveness or lashing out
For neurodivergent women, these patterns often show up as masking, people pleasing, overachievement, or relentless self-monitoring. When authentic needs for accommodation, sensory safety, or clarity are dismissed, anger can arise. If that anger is not welcomed, it may turn inward as more shame.
Left unaddressed, shame can contribute to anxiety, depression, addictive patterns, low self-worth, and relationship difficulties.
Healing Shame Through Self Compassion and Connection
Healing begins with a gentle but powerful shift. Your needs are legitimate.
Inside embarrassment or rejection is often a deeply human longing. A longing for validation. For shared enthusiasm. For sensory comfort. For clarity. For belonging.
Shame whispers that something is wrong with you.
Self-compassion says something in you needed understanding.
Research by Kristin Neff shows that self-compassion reduces anxiety, depression, and shame while increasing resilience and emotional regulation. For neurodivergent adults, especially women who have internalized years of subtle criticism, learning self-compassion can be transformative.
Here are three gentle starting points.
First, legitimize your needs. If something matters to you, it matters. Practice noticing when you minimize your own experience. Try saying quietly to yourself, my needs make sense.
Second, seek healing relationships. Shame forms in interpersonal environments and it heals in relational ones. Neurodivergent affirming therapy, supportive friendships, and communities of autistic and ADHD adults can offer corrective experiences of being seen and understood. As trauma psychologist Arielle Schwartz writes, being heard restores belonging.
Third, build tolerance for being seen. As Brene Brown reminds us, vulnerability carries risk and it is also where connection begins. Healing involves gradually increasing your capacity to express preferences, share excitement, ask for clarification, or request accommodations without collapsing into shame.
A Neuroaffirming Perspective
From a neurodivergent affirming perspective, autistic traits and ADHD traits are not moral failures. They reflect a differently wired nervous system interacting with environments that may or may not be supportive.
Often what we call shame is actually a history of misattunement.
When we approach ourselves with humility and compassion, defensive patterns soften. We come out of hiding in small, sustainable ways. We begin to experience belonging not because we masked successfully, but because we were received authentically.
You are not too much.
You are not broken.
You are worthy of belonging.
Therapy for Neurodivergent Women in California
If you are a neurodivergent woman navigating shame, masking, burnout, or relationship wounds, you do not have to carry this alone.
I offer online and in-person therapy in California for neurodivergent adults, including autistic women and women with ADHD who are seeking a more compassionate and affirming way of understanding themselves. My approach integrates compassion focused therapy, attachment informed work, and relational neuroscience to support healing shame and rebuilding a sense of belonging.
If this speaks to you, you are warmly invited to reach out.
📩 You can learn more about the focused areas and work I do atdramandapress.com.
References
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead.Gotham Books.
Nathanson, D. L. (1992). Shame and pride: Affect, sex, and the birth of the self. W. W. Norton.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
Schwartz, A. (2016). The complex PTSD workbook: A mind body approach to regaining emotional control and becoming whole. Althea Press.
Tomkins, S. S. (1962–1992). Affect imagery consciousness (Vols. 1–4). Springer Publishing Company.
woman hiding her face in and feeling shame
